I really am fuelled by tea and spite lmao

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Today, I had to do something that, for reasons passing my understanding (not really, I just don’t like the underlying psychological reasons involved), was causing me to shut down. It was not hard. I was simply sending an email. I had been told “no” though and that sent my nervous system into shut down mode because being told “no” obviously meant that I had done something wrong and stupid and unreasonable and could not be trusted to ask for anything else ever again. (None of these things are true, I am aware of that, but good luck getting my brain to accept it.)

Additionally, I’ve reestablished my tech blocks because I had a rare moment of clarity on…Monday? I think? And remembered that I don’t actually enjoy spending all my free time on Reddit or playing Sims. I like Sims, it’s fun, my little legacy family is cute, but spending all day on it for weeks at a time just makes me feel bad about myself. I have the ability to block the program on my computer, I have the ability to block Reddit on my phone and tablet, there’s no reason I have to continue to allow them to run my life.

The first days of reestablishing my blocks are always hard, though. I get bored and twitchy and my ADHD brain very much does not like the sudden lack of stimulation. I notice the things that trigger my anxiety and stress more because I don’t have a ready distraction, which means my mental health gets worse before it gets better. After a week or two I reach a more stable baseline again and can work better with my analogue tools and CBT+DBT, but that week or two is rough and I don’t always get through it without returning to what’s comfortable. So it’s not at all surprising that when I woke up today feeling under-rested (I got maybe five hours of sleep), overwhelmed, and generally cranky my first instinct was to say fuck it and disable the blocks.

I happened to be at my desk instead of in front of my tablet, though, and that meant I had the pocket journal I had planned to finish months ago already out in front of me. It didn’t take much writing before I got to my frustration over the seeming inability to do uncomfortable things and my desire to prove that I can, in fact, stick with things when they’re difficult or uncomfortable, which then led to wondering when I stopped believe that of myself because I don’t remember it being a problem when I was a child, or even really into my teens.

Unsurprisingly, I decided this is my father’s fault XD It’s as good a reason as any, and that man’s voice is what usually pops into my head when I feel like I can’t accomplish or finish things (specifically, him telling a third party in front of me that the reason he didn’t want me to take the CHSPE was that it would teach me to quit), so it’s really not an unreasonable assumption. I’d guess a fair bit of it is also the undiagnosed ADHD childhood experience of being constantly told I never finished what I started, probably exacerbated by not being able to finish at London Met or cosmetology school and having to change majors when I finally did manage to get my degree. There were valid extenuating circumstances for all of those, but I suspect a part of me does still believe that should have been able to get past them anyway.

Regardless, I blame my father for a large portion of it. If nothing else, the man is definitely responsible for a large amount of trauma and the greatest portion of the decline in my mental state after about 15. And that then turned into why in the world I am still allowing this man to have that much control over my life. It has been over 20 years since I last saw him, close to twenty since I last spoke to him. He should not still have this much of an influence on me.

So I decided to prove him wrong. I can do hard things, I can deal with discomfort, I am capable of finishing things and putting in the hard work and doing what needs done.

I sent my email, kept my blocks, and celebrated the win…to stick it to my asshole of a father who haven’t seen in a couple of decades XD

Whatever works, right?

Aside

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Why do the melancholy thoughts always come before bed.

It’s very annoying. I should be asleep, but instead I’m having an existential crisis.

Not that an existential crisis is helpful at any time, but at least during the day I can potentially do something about it. When I’m trying to fall asleep it’s just obnoxious.

Random article got me thinking

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Views on the criminal justice system are interesting. Because, like, I am vehemently against the death penalty. Aside from just believing it’s cruel, I recognise that there is not one single piece of evidence showing it to be effective as a deterrent. It exists for the sole purpose of making people feel vindicated and, frankly, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to kill someone.

Equally important, every system has the possibility of false-positives. The most perfectly built system in the world will still occasionally convict the wrong person. I am unwilling to take the risk of killing innocent people. I don’t think the supposed “benefits” are worth it. I’d be hard-pressed to find any benefits that were. Even if a system guaranteed conviction of ALL criminals, ensuring the lowest crime rates ever in history, but with the caveat that one innocent person every ten years would be mistakenly put to death, I could not bring myself to support it.

This baffles people. Like, completely throws them fully off their argument because they straight up cannot comprehend it. Even the rare person who manages to pull themselves back together then gets thrown by my second belief: I would rather run the risk of murderers, rapists, and child molesters walking free than risk even one innocent person being put to death.

I can justify this in our current, highly flawed system, but from a purely theoretical perspective…it’s honestly not justifiable. Looked at entirely from a numerical perspective, if every single violent criminal has exactly 1 victim before being convicted, even a dozen or more false convictions every year would result in an overall lower rate of harm than if there were never any false convictions but a dozen violent criminals went free every year. It’s entirely an emotional belief, I can’t stomach the idea of innocent people dying just to give others a greater sense of safety.

And, from what I can gather, this is really the key distinction between different views of the justice system. On the one hand, you have people like me who believe that the worst possible thing that could happen is to convict one innocent person. On the other, you have people who believe that the worst thing that could happen is to let one guilty person go free. In the flawed system we have now, I’d say my side has the better argument. In an ideal one, the other side wins the numbers battle. I’m not sure either is really about numbers, though. It’s an emotional decision based around fundamental beliefs that aren’t easily changed.

Having a good day

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I am feeling surprisingly good today. Hitting a bit of a sleepy moment, but given that I only got about six hours of sleep last night that’s not totally surprising. In terms of motivation, I feel quite good. Like I can actually tackle things. I even took out a couple rounds of trash and am thinking of maybe trying to write a bit.

I love when I get these moments. They’re not common, but they always feel a bit like magic. Like if I could just bottle this feeling I’d be ok. Because it’s not even necessarily that I want to take out trash or clear the vanity or write or anything else, it’s that I am aware that those things need to be done and it takes little to no effort to actually do them. I’m a bit scattered, yes, because I don’t have a focus for the energy, but I’m not just sucked into a constant hole of exhaustion and feeling like every tiny task is overwhelming.

I don’t think I’ve ever in my life had this feeling for more than a day or two at a time, but it’s lovely when it does happen. And it makes me wonder if maybe this is what most people feel like all the time? And maybe I should see about medication or something so I can feel like this more days than I do? But I’ve never not had ADHD or depression, so I don’t know if I’m just assuming other people are managing better than they actually are. And I honestly don’t know what to write or say if I do ask about changing my medication. “Hi, it was easy for me to take out the trash today and I was wondering if maybe there’s something that would make it easy to take out the trash every day”? It sounds ridiculous.

But also…it’d be really nice to feel like this every day. Or even, like, 70% of the days.

Tiiiiiiiired

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No, but seriously, I desperately want a nap. I tried going up and down stairs a few times. I tried splashing cold water on my face. I tried sipping water and having a snack. Still fighting to keep my eyes opened.

I have been awake for barely 4 hours. I slept 7.5 last night. At reasonable times! I woke up feeling good!

Now all I want is to go back to bed. Ugh.

Debated lifting my blocks to play Sims, but I don’t actually want to play Sims. It’s just something that will keep me awake while requiring minimal thought or energy. May cave anyway, but I’d prefer it to be because I actually wanted to play the damned game.

Went on Instagram for largely the same reason. A comment I made a while back about a Hobonichi post is still picking up regular haters XD The parasocial relationships between individuals and the corporate social media accounts they follow will never not be weird and fascinating to me. I can at least kind of understand with a celebrity because that’s an actual person, even if you don’t know them the way you think you do. A stationery brand, though? How do you forget that every single post on their feed is tailored specifically to encourage you to buy their product?

In this case it’s especially amusing/irritating because the post was intentionally creating a false dichotomy between “perfectly decorated” and “real”, when the video showed a planner that was just as aesthetically pleasing as the sticker and washi-covered layouts that they usually post. It was aesthetic chaos, but it was very much intentionally visually pleasing. They didn’t post someone’s boring work planner with illegible scrawl and crossed out scribbles, all in pencil or basic black ink on the straight lines of the grid paper. They posted nice handwriting at artistic angles in multiple colours. Because the reality is that no one wants to look at what the average planner actually looks like, and they get more engagement (and therefore more views/free advertising) if they post something they know people will argue over. If I hadn’t been sleep deprived at the time, I wouldn’t have played into it.

Minor irritations of the moment

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  • I slept 7.5 hours but still want a nap right at this second (meanwhile Rise is telling me I should be at my peak morning energy lmao)
  • Trying to get back into daily routine but am realising that an 0830 wake time just does not work for the things I’d like to get done during the day
  • Too sleep deprived to consider shifting to an 0600 wake time so I’m left feeling irritable and unfocused
  • Would consider shifting free social media/gaming time, but know from experience that willpower crumbles after ~2000
  • Also just don’t really enjoy bike rides in the early evening? Too many people, prefer when everyone’s at work/school
  • Plus 15-1800 is typically the hottest part of the day as we head into summer
  • May switch time to 18-2000 rather than 16-1800 regardless, just to better structure free time until sleep schedule adjusts
  • This got away from me, no longer listing irritations XD
  • Would like to find an app that requires scanning different QRs at pre-set times
  • Suspect it would help with daily tasks ADHD struggles with

Starbucks remains the primary employer of the young and very gay

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And I’m all for it. People can criticise the franchise all they want—I’ll even probably agree—but at the end of the day they were one of the first safe employers for visibly queer people. They are still one of the few places where even in the middle of nowhere you will find visibly queer and accepting staff. There aren’t many places like that outside of gay bars—and not always even then.

Why do you hate happiness

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It smells great, an ocean floral, very light, very office friendly, but it is WEAK. Weak projection, doesnt last from the moment you spray. I doused myself and still it wasn’t that noticeable unless you were very close and sniffing intent fully. Bummer because it does smell good but I would like people to notice without sticking their nose to my wrist.

Why. Why would you want this. Why do you feel the need to ensure everyone in the world can smell you whether they want to or not.

Personal scents are an intimate item. If I can smell you from across the room, you’ve used too much. Frankly, even arm’s length is too far because when everyone in a crowded room or train car is wearing scents that can be smelled from arm’s length it quickly resembles a middle school locker room. (Axe and Bath & Body Works Green Apple still give me flashbacks.)

Wear scents so that you and your partner(s) can smell them, maybe the people right up next to you in a crowd. Otherwise, no one needs to know.

A bit at loose ends

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K has therapy at the moment so I can neither talk to him nor do anything that requires going downstairs. That means no bike ride or cleaning. I’m a bit bored but don’t want to get into writing when I know I’ll want to do something else in 45 minutes. A bit anxious about whatever was trying to be delivered downstairs because rent was taken from the account but I can’t guarantee it went to the right people. Should eat but don’t really want to when K will probably want food when he’s done with therapy. Can’t update journals because I don’t currently have access to any social media to see what all was going on at the time. Already ordered groceries. Could do some basic hygiene, but that’ll take maybe ten minutes and then I’m pretty well done. Basically just don’t quite know what to do with myself.